All About Families Newsletter August 8, 2005 Norman Bales, editor *JUST VISITING * * * We’re going to do something we’ve never done before. We’re going to review a book in several installments. The book is /_Why Christian Kids Rebel_ /by Dr. Tim Kimmel. Dr. Kimmel is probably best known for a previous work titled, /_Grace-Based Parenting_. /We believe he addresses a problem that has parents and church leaders wringing their hands in despair. If you’ve got children, you need to read the book. Dr. Kimmel’s medicine may be hard to take, but it is not designed to place an even heavier burden on parents who are already feeling guilty. It is our hope that you will acquire the book, read it, evaluate it, and implement many of his suggestions. We simply don’t know any way to give you a feel for what the book is like without a rather lengthy review. For that reason, we’ve chosen to do a serial review. Norman and Ann *BOOK REVIEW (Part one)* /Why Christian Kids Rebel/, by Dr. Tim Kimmel. Nashville, Tennessee, W Publishing Group, a division of Thomas Nelson, 2004, pb, 255 pages. $14.99. Some years ago a friend’s teenage son said to him, “Dad, my lifestyle and yours aren’t the same.” That’s a tough pill to swallow, especially if you think Proverbs 22:6 guarantees the perpetual faithfulness of your offspring - /Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not stray from it.”/ / / Many of us have assumed that our kids will turn out just fine if we make sure we supply them with the three “b’s” – Bible, beans, and bed. Sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. Early in our parenting experience, we envision our children learning all their memory verses in Sunday School, becoming active members of church youth groups in their teens, going on mission trips to the third world during their college years, marrying dedicated Christian spouses, and passing along the gift of faith to our grandchildren. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes it becomes necessary to clear some significant hurdles before you can realize those goals Churches are filled with Christian parents who are scared and angry when they observe the behavior of their children. Kimmel is right on target when he says “. . . rebellious Christian kids have a way of sucking the joy and confidence out of their parents lives.” The church is filled with people who remind us of the sports fans who sit in the grandstands and tell the coaches which plays they need to run. “You need to discipline them more.” “You’ve got to send them to a Christian school.” “You’ve got to talk about the Lord more in your home.” “Maybe you don’t pray for them enough.” Have you heard the advice, tried to heed it, and still noticed no change in your child’s behavior? Join the crowd. Kimmel believes we must look much deeper than that. While he believes there is hope, he also insists that Christian parents face reality, and sometimes that’s hard to do. In his introduction, he says, “We must be willing to slip past the veneer of our Christian lifestyle and take a hard look at our faith.” Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, you’ve got to start over. He’s hard on legalism. He doesn’t believe it gets the job done. In fact he says that it’s toxic. Most of us have a list of unacceptable behaviors – drunkenness, smoking, drugs, and premarital sex to mention a few. Kimmel doesn’t defend any of those behaviors, but he finds two problems with our legalistic checklists. For one thing, we’ve got a tendency to “help the Bible out” when it comes to defining unacceptable behavior. We add things like tattoos, body piercing, wearing your pants too low, playing video games – I’m sure you won’t have any trouble completing the list. The Bible doesn’t directly address any of those things and the kids know it. Unfortunately, we tend to be arbitrary and opinionated when we construct our lists, and the kids are smart of enough to know that too. Do these behaviors sometimes indicate a heart problem? Well yes, they do. But that’s just our problem. We attack the symptom rather than the disease. And that’s the second thing wrong with legalism. Kimmel asks, “Wouldn’t common sense suggest that we concentrate on getting the fire in their souls under control? You’ve got to go for the heart. Checking off a list won’t work. But what is rebellion? Kimmel says, “I am defining rebellion in the life of a kid brought up in a Christian environment as deliberate antagonism toward God, God’s standards or the people God placed in authority in a child’s life.” Questioning is not rebelling. Disagreement is not rebelling. On the other hand, refusal to submit to God and properly ordained authority figures such as parents, the government, and school authorities have to be regarded as rebellion. That brings us to the reasons for rebellion. Kimmel lists eight of them. 1. Some don’t know Christ personally. 2. Some are angry with God. 3. Some are mad at their parents. 4. Some kids in Christian homes rebel because the strengths of their personalities are pushed to an extreme. 5. Some are in a state of confusion or disillusion. 6. Some are in bondage. 7. It’s an essential part of their spiritual pilgrimage for some. 8. Some are reacting to the flaws of the brand of Christianity they’ve been exposed to. So far it sounds like he’s done a good job of defining the problem, but if you’ve got a rebellious child, you probably would prefer a quick fix to an analysis of the problem. There is no quick fix, and the problem can’t be tackled unless we understand it, but hold on. He does talk about successful strategies. First we need a few more answers to the “why” questions. We’ll get to that next. 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