[anzac] On a HUMOROUS NOTE

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Home   : April 2006 : Group Archive : Group : All Groups

From: "REVIVAL List" <prophetic@...>
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2006 13:37:09 -0500
NOTE:  I have always found it risky publishing 'humorous' items
on this List - and do it only rarely. Hopefully no-one will be
offended at my sense of humor - but I loved the satirical and
hilarious items below. They come from "LARK NEWS" - an
e-zine that uses humor to point out some of the more bizarre
things going on in the church. IMPORTANT - the stories below
are definitely NOT TRUE - they are SATIRE. Please visit their
website-  http://www.larknews.com

Jabez descendants sue for royalties

    THE HAGUE — What do the Yabezkis of Poland, the Jarlbasses
of Norway and the Habesetos of Argentina have in common?
    They all want a piece of Bruce Wilkinson's profits. Claiming that
their name and family legacy have been exploited without permission,
hundreds of Jabez descendants are demanding a share of the
wealth created by Wilkinson's book, The Prayer of Jabez. Wilkinson,
they say, is not related to the biblical Jabez and is an interloper.
    The Jarlbass family says their great wealth and business acumen
came from sticking to the "family secrets" handed down since
biblical times.
    "We don't talk about it openly, because this wisdom was for
heirs of Jabez," says patriarch and bank owner Norgen Jarlbass.
    But the controversy has erupted into the public realm, and different
Jabez family factions now are fighting over who has greater claim to
the book royalties. In Krakow, the Yabezkis claim to be "hundreds
of generations closer to Jabez," and have the DNA tests to prove it.
They want a greater percentage of Wilkinson's royalties.
    Meanwhile, the Habesetos of Argentina say they would be happy
with a generous monthly stipend.
    "We are being reasonable," says Manuel Habeseto, who is
positioning his family for a cash settlement. "We don't demand as
much as our European cousins."
    Wilkinson and publisher Multnomah claim that the prayer of
Jabez has been in the public domain for thousands of years. The
Jabez family lawsuit counters that it has been "in active continual
use" the entire time and constitutes a "prized business asset."

Prophet downgrades earthquake forecast

    YAKIMA, Wash. — After incorrectly predicting that the West
Coast would be rocked by a major earthquake and tsunami on
Valentine's Day, Irv Fielding, who runs an independent prophetic
ministry, downgraded his prediction to "some slight tremors which
may be felt by a handful of people in rural eastern Oregon."
    "By God's grace, the terrible catastrophe I prophesied has been
averted because people repented and prayed," he said in an online
statement to his 120,000 ministry supporters.
    The massive tsunami God was going to send will instead be a
"spiritual tsunami, a wave of God's blessing that will cover Oregon,"
he said.
    Participants in Fielding's online chatroom were ecstatic.
    "Irv continues to demonstrate his powerful anointing," said a
longtime Fielding fan in a post last Tuesday. "Every disaster he has
prophesied in the past 20 years has been averted through prayer.
Praise God, people!!!!!"

Holy Spirit neglects to show up at revival

    JOPLIN, Mo. — New Hope Church had everything lined up for a
successful revival meeting, but when the Holy Spirit neglected to
show up it left them with three nights of less-than-blessed worship
and evangelism.
    "We were counting on the Holy Spirit's presence, but we
pressed forward anyway," says the pastor.
    In the absence of the Spirit of Peace, the worship leader tried to
rouse people with shouts of praise and extended worship jams. He
let the band "go long" so young people could discover deeper
reservoirs of their personal passion for God.
    "I'm pretty sure I got something from God tonight," said one
sweating young worshiper after the meeting. She said she would
come again the next evening and "work hard to make worship happen."
    The pastor says the services will continue as promised because
they advertised it in the local paper as a 3-day revival, and "even if
the meetings aren't inspired, we can still be people of our word,"
he says.

Missions trip to Antarctica 'totally fruitless'

ALBANY, New York — Taking literally the Bible's injunction to
spread the gospel to the uttermost parts of the world, a group of
adults from Albany, New York, went on a short-terms missions trip
to Antarctica but were disappointed by what they didn't find: people.
   "It was a total waste," said John Alder, who held garage sales
and sold his RV so he and his wife could go. "We got off the boat
and all we could see was a white, icy wasteland. Even the scientific
outpost was unmanned."
   The team of 14 huddled for eight days and waited for the boat to
return, reading aloud from the Bible and occasionally sending
search parties to look for possible converts. They survived on
penguin meat and stayed warm by crawling inside the still-warm
corpse of a large seal.
   The group made it home chilled but safe, and had to give the
church their disappointing report.
   "Next time we'll at least construct a building in case poor children
move to that continent some day and need shelter," said the team's
leader. "Of course, that means we'd have to find wood."

Mega-church explodes: 'I guess we got too big,' pastor admits

ALBUQUERQUE — A fountain of flames spewed from the
sanctuary at Wooden Oaks Community Church when the mega-
church apparently grew one person too large and spontaneously
   "One minute we were singing, and the next there was a huge
explosion," said one witness.
   Miraculously, nobody in the 15,000-seat sanctuary was hurt.
Nurseries and child care rooms were evacuated immediately, and
people ran for cover as the building was engulfed by fire.
   Investigators have ruled out terrorism or arson, and say it's "just
one of those things that happens when you get a lot of people
   "I have never heard of rapid church growth resulting in
spontaneous combustion, but we're talking about a church of
15,000 people," says fire marshal Bill Wilkins. "When you push
the limit that far, you're inviting trouble."
   The church has recently tangled with the city government over
plans to build a 2,000-acre theme park/shopping mall/air strip/
professional baseball stadium/skating rink/water-ski lake and
NASCAR race track just outside city limits. Those plans are on
"indefinite hold," says pastor John Allen, 31, who started the
church one year ago.
Our Online Prayer Meeting really IS on tonight (Friday) as usual.
We will meet in the 'PRAYER' Chatroom at 'Revivalschool.com' at
8pm Central Time (USA) - which is 9:00pm Eastern Time or
6:00pm Pacific Time (-USA). [-I believe that is 2:00am GMT]. Here
is the website to go to:-  http://www.revivalschool.com