Eric Slick wrote:
 
> A couple minor suggestions...
 
> God always reserves for himself a reminent.  Perhaps that should be
> indicated that some followers continued to hold to the Maker during the time
> of the dragon's dominance.

To clarify this a bit, there are two phases of dragon-bondage.  
First is the Fall.  All sinned, thus fell under the dragons' sway 
spiritually.  Secondly, the dragons waged war to make all people 
their physical slaves.  

"There were many attempts at rebellion in those early years of 
enslavement; but, though many legends and songs tell of those 
valiant initial struggles, each insurrection was unmercifully 
crushed by the evil serpents."

While not totaly clear, some who rebelled wanted to follow the 
Maker.  When the history of the land is written (we have an 
outline) it will be much clearer that some realized their error and 
tried to follow the Maker in their own ways.
 
> Perhaps the Son should be betrayed into the hands of his enemies by his
> followers (not beaten by his duplicitous followers).

Read that section again, He is beaten by the dragon worshippers, 
not His false followers.

"So they sought amongst themselves to betray all His disciples 
into the hands of a cult of dragon worshippers, and thereby gain 
favor with their true masters.  However, the OverLord knew of 
their plan, and would allow only Himself to be betrayed.  The 
cultists beat Him within inches of His life to punish Him for 
denouncing the doctrines of their masters."

In this case "worshippers" = "cultists".
 
> And a nitpick...
> "From the completion of the Great Rescue, most of the TwiceBorn
> have had the opportunity to stay for a time in this region, now
> called the Liberated Land.  There they are completely protected on
> land by the rugged, 26,000 foot, snow-covered mountain range
> created by the OverLord (known as the Peaks of the New
> Beginning)"
 
> ...completely protected on land by the rugged...
> This would flow better as
> ...completely protected by the rugged...

Sounds good.
 
> "But from this haven, some of the more courageous TwiceBorn
> are periodically sent out by the OverLord of Many Names to
> rescue captive people"
> 
> Suggest alternately...
> ...by the OverLord of Many Names to bring The Great Rescue to the captive
> people"

I would counter with "by the OverLord of Many Names to bring 
the message of The Great Rescue to the captive people..." since 
the OverLord does the actual (spritual) rescuing.

Thank you Eric,

Joe